World of illusion

“We live in a fantasy world, a world of illusion. The great task in life is to find reality.” Iris Murdoch

Reality. I’ve been working really hard for the last few years trying to recognize and accept my reality. If I don’t know where I am at, or where I’ve been, moving forward is almost impossible. For too many years I ignored where I was at OR I lived in the misery of it. Despite my blogs the last few years, I am no longer living in misery. My blogs may express misery at times but they are also an example of me choosing not to live in it. Putting it out there, letting as much of it go as I can at the moment, has been a big step in the right direction. I used to hold it all in, the toxicity of it poisoning me to the bones.

Processing the reality that is my past has also been helpful in that I can better understand why I am where I am at and is important to me so that I can better navigate and decide where I want to be in the future. Well, now that was an interesting statement as I don’t know where I want to be in the future – except not in the past and not stuck in the present.

Lately I’ve been trying to pretend that I am more capable of doing than I really am, not living in reality. I don’t mean this as a slam to myself. I am just trying to acknowledge.

Ignoring reality allows the D monster an opening to take advantage of my vulnerabilities. This is where I find myself today. I do understand that being way overtired and way short of spoons magnifies this challenge.

I’ve been trying to live in “the world of illusion”. I’ve been pushing myself way too hard. I hit a big wall and the D monster got me a bit the last few days. I turned the house upside down determined to get some paint on the walls after living here for 12 years. Then I ran out of energy. Then the D monster got me. I was actually in tears, a rare thing for me. Then some of the negative stuff I’ve been avoiding became loud in my head. The only relief was when I was asleep and even then it wasn’t the most restful of sleep. Then I turned on myself. It’s a snowball effect.

Fortunately, I was able to straighten up some of the house. Having the house in a mess pushes buttons of times past – when the D monster had a serious hold on me, a scary hold. That was a time when there wasn’t a clean fork in the house. I had “high pile carpeting” (meaning there was barely a path) throughout the house. I had to buy clothes because what I could wear wasn’t clean, or I couldn’t find it in the mess. Depression is a terrible, powerful, yet powerless thing. It scares me to even think that a possibility. This is in part why I have continued to blog. It has been a good outlet. Purge that toxicity.

Despite the depression the last few days, it has been a good sign that I do care and that I am able to do even small things. It is when I am incapable of doing anything that there is reason to worry.
There ya have it.