Friendship w significant other

As much as I am frustrated, saddened, we do have a decent friendship. I can, when I allow myself, talk to him. Who else do I talk to in real life? Nobody really. I have a few friends that I pass the time of day with, again sometimes really talking if I allow myself but it's not the same as someone that does, despite the negatives, love me. (They do love me but it's different.) I would really miss the friendship love that he does have for me. When we were apart for three months a few years ago, I found myself wanting to call him all of the time. It was pretty sad actually. I was really sad when we were apart. Pathetic I know.

Two people, brought up in different worlds, challenged in some of the same and some different ways, that still manage to see the positives in each other, to feel love for each other.

I've said to him, and others, that love is not all that matters. He was shocked to hear that from me as he thought I would see that very differently. I still don't.

I think any good relationship includes friendship. Not all friendships are perfect. No relationship is perfect, no matter the type of relationship. Am I wishing for perfection? Am I wishing for that that really only exists in fairy tales?

I really don't ask for much. I'm pretty low maintenance. With low expectations it's really not hard to exceed those expectations. Yet, somehow our relationship is not even close to the lowest.

He will be away on vacation for 5 days here soon. Typically he calls me more when he is on vacation or away than he does when he is home (he lives with his brother not me). He has said that when he gets back he will make an effort to do some thing differently. A part of me would like to include him in my therapy but a part of me needs that to be mine, just mine, not to mention that I am sure I would be the one that pays for it.

I know I need to talk to him. I will talk to him. Hopefully I'll be able to let him know that at a minimum I need our friendship to be better. That should open the door to a discussion about our romantic relationship. I'm just so scared to open those doors. I feel so vulnerable. (yikes, that brought tears)

My hope is that I keep blogging, doing the mental gymnastics, so that I find clarity and a plan. I do not need to just let things go on being the same. It's not fair to either of us. He deserves better than that from me. He does deserve the opportunity to step up and do things differently. Maybe that is a part of the fear, that he won't.......

There ya have it, another installment. Thanks for reading.