MS Blog 6/7/08 Intro to me

This blog post is about purging, sharing of myself and my life, processing so I can move on, and trying to offer support to others if/when the opportunity presents itself.

I have had health issues all of my life, literally since birth. My current diagnoses include Narcolepsy, Sleep Apnea, PCOS, Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD just to name a few. I've had hand surgery 2x (1988 &1989), throat surgery (2001), gallbladder surgery (2002), 3 epidurals in my neck (2004), and a hysterectomy (2007). I am just about to turn 39, have no children, am single (have bf but that is not saying a whole lot), and no real support or understanding from IRL family/friends.

I am the youngest of 4 children, one half sister and two half brothers. I do not have a relationship with any of my siblings. Both of my bio-parents passed when I was in my mid teens. I never knew my bio dad and the man I called my dad, mother's 3rd husband, who raised me, passed in 2005. There is an extensive family history of abuse, drugs, alcohol, medical, and mental illnesses. I believe, as do some of doctors I've shared with, that some of my illnesses are directly related to the abuse and neglect I survived. Last year, with encouragement from my therapist, I looked in to actually doing the testing to confirm suspected brain injuries and if there was anything that might help me. The doctor and I talked for several hours, 3, I think. I told of the all of the abuse and answered any question as fully and honestly as I could, despite my great discomfort with doing so. We discussed the trouble with communication, concentration, and comprehension - cognitive kinds of stuff. I guess my history was interesting enough for him to spend the time with me as he was not paid. It was very validating to have someone listen, really listen. He explained that that there was no way that the (in his words) extreme abuse and neglect, especially at such a young age and for so many years, didn't damage me physically and mentally. He validated that it is not all my fault. Like my therapist, he said he was impressed that I do as well as I do and that I am not drug addicted, in/out of jail, homicidal, living on the streets, or de*d as that is apparently the road that many survivors take.

I worked full time since I was 17, part time at 15-16, and seriously struggle with (accepting) the idea that I am now on disability and can not work = take care of myself. So much of our identity and self worth is wrapped up in what we do for a living and how much we get paid (rewarded) to do it. Not working for me has meant that I am not in the "normal" flow of the world. I feel like my life is passing me by some days. I know it is about perspective and I am working on that but it is my hope that I will one day be back to work, of the working society.

I am trying to accept that my life experiences, disabilities, and my life challenges do not define who I am, while trying to figure out what does define me.
There ya have it for now.

MS 6/3/08 Post about hard wiring

My domestication (what I have personally referred to has my hard wiring), thus my reward system, was/is confusing at best. I believe that is in large part why I struggle as I do. My reward system was survival – physically, mentally, and emotionally. The extreme challenge was/is trying to determine what the "right answer" was (to obtain that reward) as it was different depending on who, what, where, when and why there was an interaction with that person – often that answer was different than it was just minutes ago and often the answer was in direct conflict to what another person of power defined it to be. At one point I recall asking my mother if she realized that there was 7 people (in the house alone) that were my "bosses"……… the reply just reinforced each and every one of those people's power, that it was the way it was going to be like it or not. My current reward system rarely includes anything healthy – physically, mentally, or emotionally as the domestication has to be renovated (so to speak). This is a part of the growth/reward that I am working on by participating here and in therapy of course. I hope that all made at least some sense.As always, thanks for being here.

MS Blog 6/1/08 Nothing positive to say

I was probably 9 or 10, there was a lot of negative things going on in the house and in my life, had been since day one of my existence. A relative that we didn't get to see very often came to live with us. Prior to, this relative treated me so-so, much better than those in the house. I let my expectations get the better of me and had high hopes of this person…… rescuing me a bit I guess, or at least being a safe place to go (so to speak). At first it was ok. One particular day, I came home from school all excited. I had painted a flower in art class and it had been chosen for and put on display (only a few were chosen) for some school function where many people were supposed to have seen it. I was so proud. I showed this relative my painting, looking for words of awe and approval. Those weren't the words that I got. All imperfections were pointed out. "Can't you get anything right?" "I don't know why they would put that on display." "You are just like your father." (my birth father, who there was nothing redeeming about from what I was told) Unfortunately, this experience just reinforced the "stupid and worthless" messages I had already gotten for years and was just one of many more like experiences to come...