What did (or does) someone do or say to make you feel safe?
The last time I think I really felt safe I was about 5 or 6. We lived in a double house (one big house split in to two down the middle). The room I slept in shared a wall with our neighbors bedroom. One night I was sick, really sick, and apparently they could hear me through the walls. I don't know if my mom was at an AA meeting or asleep (either is possible). I remember them (the mom and dad) picking me up, holding me, giving me medicine, rocking me, and stroking my face and back. When they were caring for me, I had no worries, I could just rest. I can't think of another example.
There ya have it. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Feedback is always welcome.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Post session notes
I see it as almost sad that I have a high school diploma. I did not learn what a high school graduate should know, what is required to know before obtaining a diploma. I think (with others I am sure) I fell through the cracks. Combine that with the way my family told me that I am stupid over and over and the message in my head is that I am stupid.
Therapist sees it another way. She sees it as an amazing accomplishment that I obtained a high school diploma, despite all of the challenges in my life at the time.
A part of me says, great, I accomplished getting a piece of paper that confirms a piss poor education.
Today, as in the past, she wanted to remind me that it is amazing that I am not in jail, not an alcoholic or drug addict, not sleeping with every possible man, not on the streets, etc., like so many who have been through anything even close to what I’ve been through. One time she told me that she thinks that there is maybe 10% of the population that has experienced a history of abuse and dysfunction even close to mine. THAT shocked me and still does. She wants me to accept that I am doing great considering all I’ve been through. Well, um, that doesn’t pay the bills or mean that my life is what it should be, what I need, want, and deserve.
On my drive home, I realized that in my mind for me to have worth means I have to be perfect BUT that does not apply to anybody else. I would never expect another person to be perfect. Expecting that of myself is unfair and impossible.
There ya have it. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Feedback is always welcome.
Therapist sees it another way. She sees it as an amazing accomplishment that I obtained a high school diploma, despite all of the challenges in my life at the time.
A part of me says, great, I accomplished getting a piece of paper that confirms a piss poor education.
Today, as in the past, she wanted to remind me that it is amazing that I am not in jail, not an alcoholic or drug addict, not sleeping with every possible man, not on the streets, etc., like so many who have been through anything even close to what I’ve been through. One time she told me that she thinks that there is maybe 10% of the population that has experienced a history of abuse and dysfunction even close to mine. THAT shocked me and still does. She wants me to accept that I am doing great considering all I’ve been through. Well, um, that doesn’t pay the bills or mean that my life is what it should be, what I need, want, and deserve.
On my drive home, I realized that in my mind for me to have worth means I have to be perfect BUT that does not apply to anybody else. I would never expect another person to be perfect. Expecting that of myself is unfair and impossible.
There ya have it. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Feedback is always welcome.
Today's session
This is part of what I took with me to my session today.
When it comes to the negative, I’m comfortable. It’s what I know – soccer, something I have actually excelled at, almost comes easy.
When it comes to the positive, I’m very uncomfortable. It’s what I don’t know - boxing. It’s something that I don’t understand because I don’t know the rules or any of the fundamentals.
I know that I’ve got to get in to the ring so I do it. I come out a bloody mess. I go back to training because I KNOW I have to do this to conquer the beast. I keep practicing the fundamentals, over and over, but still find myself in the corner getting beat to a pulp. It almost seems like there is more than one opponent in the ring with me. I’m totally outweighed.
I have to decide if I accept the beatings, retire, or find the beast as an almost comfortable sparing partner. I’m not willing to retire and the beatings have to stop one way or the other.
A part of me knows that eventually I’ll get a punch or two in on the beast but I am so tired. I need some success, even if it is only to hold my own for a full round before I get TKOd.
The “yeah but” generator is like the opponent. I understand that the positive affirmations would be me punching the opponent.
Why does it feel like I am totally resistant to accepting the positive? Like I am TKOing myself. It’s almost like I am putting myself in the ring knowing that I still don’t know the rules or any of the fundamentals.
Am I afraid I’ll never conquer the beast, failing, in the ring so I just go back to playing a game that I do know, success, soccer?
What is success and what is failure? Sometimes I do think I am afraid of success. I know I’m afraid of failure.
The greatest single cause of a poor self-image is the absence of unconditional love. Zig Ziglar
"Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth." –– Franklin D. Roosevelt
I’ve got to accept that the positives are not lies, they are facts, truths. Yeah but, yeah but, yeah but
There ya have it. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Feedback is always welcome.
When it comes to the negative, I’m comfortable. It’s what I know – soccer, something I have actually excelled at, almost comes easy.
When it comes to the positive, I’m very uncomfortable. It’s what I don’t know - boxing. It’s something that I don’t understand because I don’t know the rules or any of the fundamentals.
I know that I’ve got to get in to the ring so I do it. I come out a bloody mess. I go back to training because I KNOW I have to do this to conquer the beast. I keep practicing the fundamentals, over and over, but still find myself in the corner getting beat to a pulp. It almost seems like there is more than one opponent in the ring with me. I’m totally outweighed.
I have to decide if I accept the beatings, retire, or find the beast as an almost comfortable sparing partner. I’m not willing to retire and the beatings have to stop one way or the other.
A part of me knows that eventually I’ll get a punch or two in on the beast but I am so tired. I need some success, even if it is only to hold my own for a full round before I get TKOd.
The “yeah but” generator is like the opponent. I understand that the positive affirmations would be me punching the opponent.
Why does it feel like I am totally resistant to accepting the positive? Like I am TKOing myself. It’s almost like I am putting myself in the ring knowing that I still don’t know the rules or any of the fundamentals.
Am I afraid I’ll never conquer the beast, failing, in the ring so I just go back to playing a game that I do know, success, soccer?
What is success and what is failure? Sometimes I do think I am afraid of success. I know I’m afraid of failure.
The greatest single cause of a poor self-image is the absence of unconditional love. Zig Ziglar
"Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth." –– Franklin D. Roosevelt
I’ve got to accept that the positives are not lies, they are facts, truths. Yeah but, yeah but, yeah but
There ya have it. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Feedback is always welcome.
Some of what I took with me to my session today.
Things I already believe, on a good day.
I am = I can be, at times, when the wind is blowing the right direction, when the stars align just right.
· I am loyal.
· I am trustworthy.
· I am generous.
· I am kind.
· I am sympathetic.
The unspoken/unwritten is “to others”.
I need to be able to say and believe these statements as “I am loyal to myself” so that I can believe these statements as “I am loyal” Period, a simple statement.
To become “I am loyal”, period, a simple statement, means I have to be loyal more often than not, to others and myself.
Things I want to believe.
· I am worthy.
· I am a good person.
· I am honest.
· I am likeable.
· I am loveable.
· I am smart.
· I am responsible.
· I am productive.
There ya have it. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Feedback is always welcome.More to come in a bit.
I am = I can be, at times, when the wind is blowing the right direction, when the stars align just right.
· I am loyal.
· I am trustworthy.
· I am generous.
· I am kind.
· I am sympathetic.
The unspoken/unwritten is “to others”.
I need to be able to say and believe these statements as “I am loyal to myself” so that I can believe these statements as “I am loyal” Period, a simple statement.
To become “I am loyal”, period, a simple statement, means I have to be loyal more often than not, to others and myself.
Things I want to believe.
· I am worthy.
· I am a good person.
· I am honest.
· I am likeable.
· I am loveable.
· I am smart.
· I am responsible.
· I am productive.
There ya have it. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Feedback is always welcome.More to come in a bit.
Important reminders from April 2009
The following is what I did in April when we were focusing on this the last time.
IMPORTANT REMINDERS
I am a worthy, loveable, good person.
I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
I am not lazy.
I am not stupid.
It is ok to ask for help.
I am responsible only for myself.
Putting me first is not selfish.
I can be happy.
It is ok to enjoy life.
I can trust myself.
I have good instincts.
My life has no room for negativity.
Thinking positively can only help.
Thinking negatively only makes life more difficult.
I do have choices.
Choosing not to make a decision is a choice.
My illnesses are real, impacting my health and my life in a significant way day to day.
The lemonade is worth the squeeze.
MY LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES, PAST AND PRESENT, DO NOT DEFINE WHO I AM. THEY ONLY EXPLAIN MY JOURNEY.
I am sorting, processing, and learning from these circumstances and experiences. I am throwing away the negative baggage that has weighed me down and I will cherish the positive as I have earned it.
There ya have it. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Feedback is always welcome.More to come in a bit.
IMPORTANT REMINDERS
I am a worthy, loveable, good person.
I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
I am not lazy.
I am not stupid.
It is ok to ask for help.
I am responsible only for myself.
Putting me first is not selfish.
I can be happy.
It is ok to enjoy life.
I can trust myself.
I have good instincts.
My life has no room for negativity.
Thinking positively can only help.
Thinking negatively only makes life more difficult.
I do have choices.
Choosing not to make a decision is a choice.
My illnesses are real, impacting my health and my life in a significant way day to day.
The lemonade is worth the squeeze.
MY LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES, PAST AND PRESENT, DO NOT DEFINE WHO I AM. THEY ONLY EXPLAIN MY JOURNEY.
I am sorting, processing, and learning from these circumstances and experiences. I am throwing away the negative baggage that has weighed me down and I will cherish the positive as I have earned it.
There ya have it. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Feedback is always welcome.More to come in a bit.
Some quotes that spoke to me recently
The greatest single cause of a poor self-image is the absence of unconditional love. Zig Ziglar
Before you change your thinking, you have to change what goes into your mind. Zig Ziglar
"If you don’t climb the mountain, you can’t view the plain." Anonymous
"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly." Robert Francis Kennedy
You don't drown by falling in water; you only drown if you stay there. Zig Ziglar
"Act as though it is impossible to fail." Anonymous
"Confidence is the companion of success." Anonymous
"Two rules of success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know."Anonymous
"Failure is success if we learn from it." Malcolm Forbes
"The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind." Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
"The control center of your life is your attitude." Anonymous
"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact." William James
The real voyage of discovery consists not in making new landscapes but in having new eyes." Marcel Proust
"Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission." Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth." –– Franklin D. Roosevelt
"When I do right, no one remembers. When I do wrong, no one ever forgets."Anonymous
"Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking."Jackson Browne
"The time is always right to do what is right." Martin Luther King Jr.
Before you change your thinking, you have to change what goes into your mind. Zig Ziglar
"If you don’t climb the mountain, you can’t view the plain." Anonymous
"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly." Robert Francis Kennedy
You don't drown by falling in water; you only drown if you stay there. Zig Ziglar
"Act as though it is impossible to fail." Anonymous
"Confidence is the companion of success." Anonymous
"Two rules of success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know."Anonymous
"Failure is success if we learn from it." Malcolm Forbes
"The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind." Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
"The control center of your life is your attitude." Anonymous
"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact." William James
The real voyage of discovery consists not in making new landscapes but in having new eyes." Marcel Proust
"Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission." Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth." –– Franklin D. Roosevelt
"When I do right, no one remembers. When I do wrong, no one ever forgets."Anonymous
"Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking."Jackson Browne
"The time is always right to do what is right." Martin Luther King Jr.
Post session thoughts from 10/13
I never went back to edit or finish the blog below. I’ll be posting a new one in a bit.
Well, it seems that I’m back to where I was in April (see April 8 blog), trying to see positive in myself, believing that I do have worth. It was an interesting conversation with my therapist today. She gave me basically the same homework she gave me in April. I need to come up with positive statements to say to myself several times a day, with the goal being that I will accept the statements as true at some point.
I spent a lot of the session explaining why that won’t happen, the hurdles to that being successful, that we’ve tried it before, and I don’t want to fail, again. I think a part of what she is saying is that I definitely won’t learn to believe if I don’t try. What I was saying to her is that I have tried, many times. She pointed out that I need to stick with it, that reprogramming my brain won’t happen overnight and that I need to be prepared for the long haul with some of these issues.
Success is “something that turns out well: something that turns out as planned or intended”. Failure is lack of success.
Fear of failure…failure adds to an already lacking sense of worth,
Fear of success…if I succeed I’ll be in a place I am unfamiliar with, out of my “comfort zone”, will it matter, what do I do with it once I have it, will I be able to maintain it, will someone take it away
There ya have it. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Feedback is always welcome.
More to come in a bit.
Well, it seems that I’m back to where I was in April (see April 8 blog), trying to see positive in myself, believing that I do have worth. It was an interesting conversation with my therapist today. She gave me basically the same homework she gave me in April. I need to come up with positive statements to say to myself several times a day, with the goal being that I will accept the statements as true at some point.
I spent a lot of the session explaining why that won’t happen, the hurdles to that being successful, that we’ve tried it before, and I don’t want to fail, again. I think a part of what she is saying is that I definitely won’t learn to believe if I don’t try. What I was saying to her is that I have tried, many times. She pointed out that I need to stick with it, that reprogramming my brain won’t happen overnight and that I need to be prepared for the long haul with some of these issues.
Success is “something that turns out well: something that turns out as planned or intended”. Failure is lack of success.
Fear of failure…failure adds to an already lacking sense of worth,
Fear of success…if I succeed I’ll be in a place I am unfamiliar with, out of my “comfort zone”, will it matter, what do I do with it once I have it, will I be able to maintain it, will someone take it away
There ya have it. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Feedback is always welcome.
More to come in a bit.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
MySpace status comment and my reply
I have started a blog about where I'm at with the worth issue but thought I'd share this in the meantime.
If I'm right, you can't see yourself as worthless if you realize that you have some inherent value. Would you then acknowledge for the court that you realize you are one of my best friends, that I need you, depend on you even -- and that as such you have very tangible inherent value? And would you then stipulate for the court that you, ipsofacto (god I love that!), fully realize that under such circumstances you could not possibly be "worthless"? Thank you. Nothing further.
Objection! Our client can not possibly answer questions she can not comprehend. If it please the court, we would like to have the defense refrain from using words our client has to look up just to make sure she understands. Sustained
Do you affirm that you are one of Robin’s best friends? If she says so.
Do you affirm that she needs you? I’m not sure anybody needs me.
Do you affirm that she depends on you? To rely on someone that can’t rely on themselves might be imprudent.
Do you believe it is factual that you actually possess worth because of your perceived nature and the seemingly altruistic role you play? Perception does not mean authentic.
Your honor, the prosecution rests.
That's just my silly answer to explain what is going through my head. I DO know that it is not healthy to think this way. I'm just trying to be honest about my challenge to find self worth.
If I'm right, you can't see yourself as worthless if you realize that you have some inherent value. Would you then acknowledge for the court that you realize you are one of my best friends, that I need you, depend on you even -- and that as such you have very tangible inherent value? And would you then stipulate for the court that you, ipsofacto (god I love that!), fully realize that under such circumstances you could not possibly be "worthless"? Thank you. Nothing further.
Objection! Our client can not possibly answer questions she can not comprehend. If it please the court, we would like to have the defense refrain from using words our client has to look up just to make sure she understands. Sustained
Do you affirm that you are one of Robin’s best friends? If she says so.
Do you affirm that she needs you? I’m not sure anybody needs me.
Do you affirm that she depends on you? To rely on someone that can’t rely on themselves might be imprudent.
Do you believe it is factual that you actually possess worth because of your perceived nature and the seemingly altruistic role you play? Perception does not mean authentic.
Your honor, the prosecution rests.
That's just my silly answer to explain what is going through my head. I DO know that it is not healthy to think this way. I'm just trying to be honest about my challenge to find self worth.
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