Friday, January 30, 2009
MS Blog 1/30/09
Short story is that I have to drive 45 minutes east of me to pick up some filled out but not signed off on paperwork and then take it back west 1 1/2 hr from there and SIT THERE UNTIL HE SIGNS OFF OR FILLS IT OUT FOR HIMSELF. I'm anxious as I am worried I will piss him off but I've gotta do what I've gotta do. Let's just hope the stress doesn't wig me out and/or cause a catapletic issue, especially since I am driving for at least a portion -- I have a friend on standby to meet so that she can drive. Back later with more.Hugs all around and thanks for reading this!
MS Post 1/30/09
First, thanks to all of you who "covered me" while I "went in" today. It is nice to know that there are people out there that have nothing to gain by sending positive energy my way and are still willing to do it.
I'm exhausted. I am going from ok, to angry, to very sad, back to ok, or at least trying to convince myself that I am ok.
Let me say that today was not a total waste. I was able to pick up paperwork from my therapist. I had to meet her in public as today was her day off and our plan was for me to "be in the area" and catch my psychiatrist at his office the last day before he is out on leave for the month of February. We agree that if no good result happens that we will call the insurance asshole, um, I mean adjuster guy, and deal with him straight on. (Talk about needing to wear big girl panties and make sure I've got "coverage!")
Anyway, it was dash, dash, quick lunch with friends (had to eat or would have been not so good), dash, dash, dash in to the packed local Kinko’s to make copies as you never give originals without first making a copy, and even though I have to go by my house to pick up my friend in case a catapletic attack happens, my Fing HP POS AIO crapped out on me recently making it impossible to make any copies of anything so I have just have to deal with using a credit card to use a copy machine, dash, dash, dash some more. A little breathing got done during the day but not much. We get to the psychiatrists office around 3p. I'm all geared up, all day, stress, no rest, since the early morning hours when my phone rang and woke me. I decide to go in there and play like I am SO dumb and so helpless and so humble. New people behind the desk…..um, is (the girl I’m kissed enough ass with to basically make her my girlfriend, or maybe I’m hers, to get her to be helpful and friendly)……"no……um, ok"….. I explain how **I** messed up and sent the wrong forms to the doctor via email and that I am hoping he can help me with these correct forms I have in my hands. (Yes, I am too willing to take responsibility as a general rule but this time it was a calculated last second decision -- try to appeal to what little compassion I hoped they actually do have inside, deep inside but there.) They tell me, despite the assurance just yesterday that he would be there, he is not in the office today.
In my head “Wellllll, fuuuuuuck me! This can’t be real. I just spent the day from hell helping to fill out forms, driving, driving, Kinkos, credit card to use a copy machine, dragging my friend, driving some more, filled with anxiety, and made the mistake, apparently, of getting my hopes up only to be told he is not in! Oh, NO, they didn’t!” But, having my big girl panties on (which are almost out of elastic at this point, lol), I maintain my composure. ....
They, apparently reading my face a bit, tell me that he will be in the office next Thursday and Friday. The guy, I’m not sure what is role is around there but he sure does seem to be lurking all the time, asks to see the paperwork. He wonders allowed if it might be something they can help with (my jaw almost hits the ground at even the suggestion as nobody else has even tried) and hands it back to me saying that the dr has to take care of it but that I can come back when he is there next week. I’m up for (desperate) almost anything, and appreciating their help, so I tell them ok, what day and time do you want me here. I’m thinking I’m getting an appointment. He explains that I will not but that it would be good if I could be there at 1:45p, “no problem, Thursday at 1:45p, I’ll be here.”
So, I am trying to think positively and seeing it as a glass ½ full. The staff, including a lady I’ve never seen, was pleasant and dare I say even helpful. I have to wonder if my dr told them about my note to him saying that his staff sucks and they need to be better at communicating. Frankly, I don’t really care, grrrrrrr. (lol)
Tuesday. I'm not sure if it will be plan ZZ or what but I can't do this much longer, I just can't. Hell, if I could, I'd be working!
The sadness I feel……..yep, I’m going to sit on the pity pot for a few before I get a warm spot on the CK Sofa…… I feel like I’ve been asked to climb a huge mountain with nothing but my bare hands, that they keep making the mountain bigger, taller, and more challenging all around, and that going around, under, or over the mountain is not an option. It is at times like these that I feel really sad that my family can not “be there” for me, especially since I have been there so many times for so many years for them. (tears……) I know that they will never be the people I need them to be but you should be able to count on family. I never have, never will. That is very sad, very sad.
Well, there ya have it. Hugs all around, thanks for being here and reading. ....
I'm exhausted. I am going from ok, to angry, to very sad, back to ok, or at least trying to convince myself that I am ok.
Let me say that today was not a total waste. I was able to pick up paperwork from my therapist. I had to meet her in public as today was her day off and our plan was for me to "be in the area" and catch my psychiatrist at his office the last day before he is out on leave for the month of February. We agree that if no good result happens that we will call the insurance asshole, um, I mean adjuster guy, and deal with him straight on. (Talk about needing to wear big girl panties and make sure I've got "coverage!")
Anyway, it was dash, dash, quick lunch with friends (had to eat or would have been not so good), dash, dash, dash in to the packed local Kinko’s to make copies as you never give originals without first making a copy, and even though I have to go by my house to pick up my friend in case a catapletic attack happens, my Fing HP POS AIO crapped out on me recently making it impossible to make any copies of anything so I have just have to deal with using a credit card to use a copy machine, dash, dash, dash some more. A little breathing got done during the day but not much. We get to the psychiatrists office around 3p. I'm all geared up, all day, stress, no rest, since the early morning hours when my phone rang and woke me. I decide to go in there and play like I am SO dumb and so helpless and so humble. New people behind the desk…..um, is (the girl I’m kissed enough ass with to basically make her my girlfriend, or maybe I’m hers, to get her to be helpful and friendly)……"no……um, ok"….. I explain how **I** messed up and sent the wrong forms to the doctor via email and that I am hoping he can help me with these correct forms I have in my hands. (Yes, I am too willing to take responsibility as a general rule but this time it was a calculated last second decision -- try to appeal to what little compassion I hoped they actually do have inside, deep inside but there.) They tell me, despite the assurance just yesterday that he would be there, he is not in the office today.
In my head “Wellllll, fuuuuuuck me! This can’t be real. I just spent the day from hell helping to fill out forms, driving, driving, Kinkos, credit card to use a copy machine, dragging my friend, driving some more, filled with anxiety, and made the mistake, apparently, of getting my hopes up only to be told he is not in! Oh, NO, they didn’t!” But, having my big girl panties on (which are almost out of elastic at this point, lol), I maintain my composure. ....
They, apparently reading my face a bit, tell me that he will be in the office next Thursday and Friday. The guy, I’m not sure what is role is around there but he sure does seem to be lurking all the time, asks to see the paperwork. He wonders allowed if it might be something they can help with (my jaw almost hits the ground at even the suggestion as nobody else has even tried) and hands it back to me saying that the dr has to take care of it but that I can come back when he is there next week. I’m up for (desperate) almost anything, and appreciating their help, so I tell them ok, what day and time do you want me here. I’m thinking I’m getting an appointment. He explains that I will not but that it would be good if I could be there at 1:45p, “no problem, Thursday at 1:45p, I’ll be here.”
So, I am trying to think positively and seeing it as a glass ½ full. The staff, including a lady I’ve never seen, was pleasant and dare I say even helpful. I have to wonder if my dr told them about my note to him saying that his staff sucks and they need to be better at communicating. Frankly, I don’t really care, grrrrrrr. (lol)
Tuesday. I'm not sure if it will be plan ZZ or what but I can't do this much longer, I just can't. Hell, if I could, I'd be working!
The sadness I feel……..yep, I’m going to sit on the pity pot for a few before I get a warm spot on the CK Sofa…… I feel like I’ve been asked to climb a huge mountain with nothing but my bare hands, that they keep making the mountain bigger, taller, and more challenging all around, and that going around, under, or over the mountain is not an option. It is at times like these that I feel really sad that my family can not “be there” for me, especially since I have been there so many times for so many years for them. (tears……) I know that they will never be the people I need them to be but you should be able to count on family. I never have, never will. That is very sad, very sad.
Well, there ya have it. Hugs all around, thanks for being here and reading. ....
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
MS 1/27/09 Blog
"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." ~ Bernice Johnson Reagon
(Son --- of --- a --- bitch! Breeeeeeathe …….. I’ve turned every G*d damn light in the G*d damn house on...... There, light up my f*cking life...…….Breeeeeeeathe……
Yes, my mother f*ckin’ ……. Breeeeeeeathe ……stomach is moving up and down ………. Breeeeeeeathe……. to prove that I am……. Grrrrrrr…… breathing deep… G*d damn it…… (Big sigh) …… damn………. I hate my muffin top………. Man, I need hair color something fierce…….. la, da, de, da, la, de, la, la……… ok, can’t lose it ……. Keep it together girl……. It WILL be ok……. DAMN IT……… Breathe…….. Breathe……. A hot fudge sundae sure would taste good about now……. DAMN…….. STOP the negative messages, don’t allow them to win, you deserve better…….. FUCK……… how much more should I have to deal with……. )
**I try not to curse like this, even in my mind, but sometimes you just gotta let it rip so that you can let it out and move on**
....
So, I find out today (1/20, four days after I had seen him in his office 1/16) that the doctor I am counting on “won’t be in the office the entire month of February.” Are you f*cking kidding me?!?!?! And I still have not received the email that he sent me on the 16th. I’ve asked his “wonderful” staff to pass along my correct email address to him and to let him know.
.. ..
Sigh, breathing…… give me a second….. composure might just be over rated, what do you F’ing think?
.. ..
I did manage to get yet another email address (yes, that is now 3, and I am aware of a 4th but he told me he never checks that one) to use for him. I did leave a message letting him know that I still have not received the email he sent me Friday. I do have a plan.
.. .... ..
……. I have a plan but, damn, can ya give me a break? At least let me come up for air!?!?
.. ..
I will also take this “opportunity” (grrr) to clarify that I DO understand that this doctor has not been doing his job where I am concerned. If it weren’t for the history that he and I have and it weren’t for this paperwork fiasco that the other dickhead created (UM, YES, I AM IN TOUCH WITH MY ANGER. WHAT GIVES ME AWAY? wink) I regret that for many reasons – mostly because it should not be necessary to do a “Linda Blair” to get what is right taken care of – ME! I will deal with that but for now the priority is getting the paperwork done.
.. ..
***1/27/09 This blog was done a week ago. I never finished it but kept promising to post something updating those of you following along on this…….F’ing journey. There’s still more and I will update that soon.***
.. ..
Thanks for caring, it will be ok, I will be ok. It’s just another fight I’m not sure I have in me. I DO definitely have days where I am "paralyzed" but I have not give up either.
.. ..
xoxo
P.S. Cover me, I'm going in!
(Son --- of --- a --- bitch! Breeeeeeathe …….. I’ve turned every G*d damn light in the G*d damn house on...... There, light up my f*cking life...…….Breeeeeeeathe……
Yes, my mother f*ckin’ ……. Breeeeeeeathe ……stomach is moving up and down ………. Breeeeeeeathe……. to prove that I am……. Grrrrrrr…… breathing deep… G*d damn it…… (Big sigh) …… damn………. I hate my muffin top………. Man, I need hair color something fierce…….. la, da, de, da, la, de, la, la……… ok, can’t lose it ……. Keep it together girl……. It WILL be ok……. DAMN IT……… Breathe…….. Breathe……. A hot fudge sundae sure would taste good about now……. DAMN…….. STOP the negative messages, don’t allow them to win, you deserve better…….. FUCK……… how much more should I have to deal with……. )
**I try not to curse like this, even in my mind, but sometimes you just gotta let it rip so that you can let it out and move on**
....
So, I find out today (1/20, four days after I had seen him in his office 1/16) that the doctor I am counting on “won’t be in the office the entire month of February.” Are you f*cking kidding me?!?!?! And I still have not received the email that he sent me on the 16th. I’ve asked his “wonderful” staff to pass along my correct email address to him and to let him know.
.. ..
Sigh, breathing…… give me a second….. composure might just be over rated, what do you F’ing think?
.. ..
I did manage to get yet another email address (yes, that is now 3, and I am aware of a 4th but he told me he never checks that one) to use for him. I did leave a message letting him know that I still have not received the email he sent me Friday. I do have a plan.
.. .... ..
……. I have a plan but, damn, can ya give me a break? At least let me come up for air!?!?
.. ..
I will also take this “opportunity” (grrr) to clarify that I DO understand that this doctor has not been doing his job where I am concerned. If it weren’t for the history that he and I have and it weren’t for this paperwork fiasco that the other dickhead created (UM, YES, I AM IN TOUCH WITH MY ANGER. WHAT GIVES ME AWAY? wink) I regret that for many reasons – mostly because it should not be necessary to do a “Linda Blair” to get what is right taken care of – ME! I will deal with that but for now the priority is getting the paperwork done.
.. ..
***1/27/09 This blog was done a week ago. I never finished it but kept promising to post something updating those of you following along on this…….F’ing journey. There’s still more and I will update that soon.***
.. ..
Thanks for caring, it will be ok, I will be ok. It’s just another fight I’m not sure I have in me. I DO definitely have days where I am "paralyzed" but I have not give up either.
.. ..
xoxo
P.S. Cover me, I'm going in!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
1/20/09 MS Blog about Friendship with family
ANTs blog about being friends with his mother brought a smile to my heart, and frankly, pushed a button (or two, or ten, lol). Obviously some processing I needed to do.
.. ..
When my mother passed, I remember being frustrated because I did not know the person that so many people were talking about, the person that they knew. I felt so cheated. I was cheated.
.. ..
I wish I could have known the person she was as an individual, with her own good and bad life experiences, challenges, dreams, etc. Is that something mothers think about as they are raising children? (Suddenly, I am reminded of a child seeing his teacher at the grocery store….. “Mrs C! What are YOU doing HERE?”) I imagine that it is difficult to know how much, when, and even if a parent should share with a child.
.. ..
My experience was primarily about who she was as our mother and what was important to her as it related to the family. I am not saying that was bad but it told me little about her, the person, the individual. In the years since (wow, 23 years) and as an adult, I’ve been able to look back and see things I couldn’t see back then, things she was unable/unwilling/unaware to share. Things she obviously shared with her friends. Things that since I was a child would have been inappropriate for her to share with me.
.. ..
I can now see that she, like me, was a wounded being and that she was doing the best she could at the time. This awareness has helped my own wounds, even those that she created, start to heal. I do not excuse the fact that she was not the mother I needed and deserved but I do see it as reason to feel compassion. For years I thought to have compassion meant to excuse wrongdoing. I no longer feel that way.
.. ..
I would like to encourage everyone (who would not be putting themselves in emotional, physical, or mental harms way by doing so) to find a way to get to know your parents, your kids, your relatives. You just might find a very special friend and at the very least you might find a new understanding of another person.
.. ..
Please forgive the rambling. I am just trying to say that if a parent or a child wants to be friends, please grab that opportunity. Even if there are no wounds to heal, the value of that kind of connection is priceless and we should not assume an option always available to us.
.. ..
If this blog is the brilliance I would like it to be, then thousands of dollars and years of therapy does pay off once in a while. If it is not, it might be time for a new therapist (wink) and I’ll try to find a way to repay the minute of your life spent reading this that you won’t ever get back.
.. ..
There ya have it.
.. ..
When my mother passed, I remember being frustrated because I did not know the person that so many people were talking about, the person that they knew. I felt so cheated. I was cheated.
.. ..
I wish I could have known the person she was as an individual, with her own good and bad life experiences, challenges, dreams, etc. Is that something mothers think about as they are raising children? (Suddenly, I am reminded of a child seeing his teacher at the grocery store….. “Mrs C! What are YOU doing HERE?”) I imagine that it is difficult to know how much, when, and even if a parent should share with a child.
.. ..
My experience was primarily about who she was as our mother and what was important to her as it related to the family. I am not saying that was bad but it told me little about her, the person, the individual. In the years since (wow, 23 years) and as an adult, I’ve been able to look back and see things I couldn’t see back then, things she was unable/unwilling/unaware to share. Things she obviously shared with her friends. Things that since I was a child would have been inappropriate for her to share with me.
.. ..
I can now see that she, like me, was a wounded being and that she was doing the best she could at the time. This awareness has helped my own wounds, even those that she created, start to heal. I do not excuse the fact that she was not the mother I needed and deserved but I do see it as reason to feel compassion. For years I thought to have compassion meant to excuse wrongdoing. I no longer feel that way.
.. ..
I would like to encourage everyone (who would not be putting themselves in emotional, physical, or mental harms way by doing so) to find a way to get to know your parents, your kids, your relatives. You just might find a very special friend and at the very least you might find a new understanding of another person.
.. ..
Please forgive the rambling. I am just trying to say that if a parent or a child wants to be friends, please grab that opportunity. Even if there are no wounds to heal, the value of that kind of connection is priceless and we should not assume an option always available to us.
.. ..
If this blog is the brilliance I would like it to be, then thousands of dollars and years of therapy does pay off once in a while. If it is not, it might be time for a new therapist (wink) and I’ll try to find a way to repay the minute of your life spent reading this that you won’t ever get back.
.. ..
There ya have it.
1/20/09 MS Blog about Friendship
What does "friendship" mean to you?
"Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world" Eleanor RooseveltThis quote made me think….. how do I define friendship? What does it mean to me? www.merriam-Webster.com defines friend in part as “one attached to another by affection or esteem”, “acquaintance”, and “a favored companion”. I do know that I expect more of myself as a friend than I expect from a friend. If the definition is the same than why would the expectations be different? How does that work in regard to being a friend to myself?
Hmmmmm Feel free to discuss amongst yourselves. (wink)
"Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world" Eleanor RooseveltThis quote made me think….. how do I define friendship? What does it mean to me? www.merriam-Webster.com defines friend in part as “one attached to another by affection or esteem”, “acquaintance”, and “a favored companion”. I do know that I expect more of myself as a friend than I expect from a friend. If the definition is the same than why would the expectations be different? How does that work in regard to being a friend to myself?
Hmmmmm Feel free to discuss amongst yourselves. (wink)
Saturday, January 17, 2009
MS Blog 1/17/09 about my LTD recert
Well, I finally saw my doctor that has been so unreachable on Friday, so damage control has finally been started….. I think….. I hope……
.. ..
He very humbly apologized and took responsibility for being significantly behind in reading email messages, returning phone calls, and that he is “way over his head” despite working until 11p-12a some nights. He offered a “long list of excuses” and I told him that I didn’t need them. Having been a patient of his for over 9 years, it is obvious when looking at him that he has not been taking the best care of himself. He does not look well and that really concerns me but my priority right now is trying to take care of myself and needing his help to do that. (I was holding on TIGHT to the tears the whole appointment but one of the things I did manage to choke out was that I need him to take care of himself so that he can take care of me.) He did also take responsibility for his staff, the way that they have been handling things, and explained that a part of what is going on is that his wife is being sent to Afghanistan, that “he and his family have been doing all that comes with preparing for that”. As my goal during that appointment was to talk to him about the depression and anxiety (which has been magnified a zillion times by all of this crap of course) and to get his help with the insurance company, I chose not to take him to task about anything at that point. Plus, the possibility of him letting me go as a patient right now is not something I want to even cross his mind.
.. ..
Prior to my appointment I spent hours (probably 12+) trying to get my sh*t together to be clear, concise, and to make sure he understands where I am coming from, what my mental and physical health really looks like. I typed pages and pages of notes but could not get my thoughts together enough to even make bullet points from those notes, or even organize them in any meaningful way. I showed him the pile of pages, asked him if he was interested in reading them, and he took them to read at a later time. I did tell him that I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown, walking a very fine line. We also talked about the possibility that my meds are making the anxiety worse so we came up with a plan to test that and he added another medication to the mix.
.. ..
As far as the LTD paperwork, he said that in his experience a letter from him would do little, more likely nothing, but that actual forms from the insurance company might be helpful. While we were talking he said that he has some forms that I could fill out that would help him do his part and right then he sent those to my email and asked me to email them back to him. I still have not received that email, over 24 hrs later. I assume that there was an error in my email address or something like that. We also agreed that I would scan and email him copies of the forms the other doctor filled out (fortunately I was able to find the blank forms online in pdf ). He did confirm that the email address we had used is accurate but also gave me a different email address to use. I have not received a read receipt for the email I sent to that “new” address yesterday so I’m not real confident about how this is going to play out.
.. ..
He did make a point to say that he doesn’t know how fast he will be able to get it all done. I explained that while they have not terminated my benefits yet, it is a real possibility, I believe just a matter of time, and that I am trying to avoid that by being proactive.
.. ..
In the email I sent, I suggested that since he is so overwhelmed, with a lot on his own plate, that he and my therapist might be able to work together to get all of these forms filled out and to the insurance company. I hope, for his sake and mine, that he agrees and contacts her to do just that.
.. ..
I will feel a lot better once damage control has been completed and confirmed (i.e. my LTD recertification process completed and approved) and then I can get back to what I do see as my job, taking care of my health so that eventually I can go back to working.
.. ..
Not exactly the sigh of relief I was needing….. I still feel a little bit like I am on a very thin tightrope with no net.
.. ..
There ya have it. Another installment of “As Kat’s World Turns”.
.. ..
He very humbly apologized and took responsibility for being significantly behind in reading email messages, returning phone calls, and that he is “way over his head” despite working until 11p-12a some nights. He offered a “long list of excuses” and I told him that I didn’t need them. Having been a patient of his for over 9 years, it is obvious when looking at him that he has not been taking the best care of himself. He does not look well and that really concerns me but my priority right now is trying to take care of myself and needing his help to do that. (I was holding on TIGHT to the tears the whole appointment but one of the things I did manage to choke out was that I need him to take care of himself so that he can take care of me.) He did also take responsibility for his staff, the way that they have been handling things, and explained that a part of what is going on is that his wife is being sent to Afghanistan, that “he and his family have been doing all that comes with preparing for that”. As my goal during that appointment was to talk to him about the depression and anxiety (which has been magnified a zillion times by all of this crap of course) and to get his help with the insurance company, I chose not to take him to task about anything at that point. Plus, the possibility of him letting me go as a patient right now is not something I want to even cross his mind.
.. ..
Prior to my appointment I spent hours (probably 12+) trying to get my sh*t together to be clear, concise, and to make sure he understands where I am coming from, what my mental and physical health really looks like. I typed pages and pages of notes but could not get my thoughts together enough to even make bullet points from those notes, or even organize them in any meaningful way. I showed him the pile of pages, asked him if he was interested in reading them, and he took them to read at a later time. I did tell him that I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown, walking a very fine line. We also talked about the possibility that my meds are making the anxiety worse so we came up with a plan to test that and he added another medication to the mix.
.. ..
As far as the LTD paperwork, he said that in his experience a letter from him would do little, more likely nothing, but that actual forms from the insurance company might be helpful. While we were talking he said that he has some forms that I could fill out that would help him do his part and right then he sent those to my email and asked me to email them back to him. I still have not received that email, over 24 hrs later. I assume that there was an error in my email address or something like that. We also agreed that I would scan and email him copies of the forms the other doctor filled out (fortunately I was able to find the blank forms online in pdf ). He did confirm that the email address we had used is accurate but also gave me a different email address to use. I have not received a read receipt for the email I sent to that “new” address yesterday so I’m not real confident about how this is going to play out.
.. ..
He did make a point to say that he doesn’t know how fast he will be able to get it all done. I explained that while they have not terminated my benefits yet, it is a real possibility, I believe just a matter of time, and that I am trying to avoid that by being proactive.
.. ..
In the email I sent, I suggested that since he is so overwhelmed, with a lot on his own plate, that he and my therapist might be able to work together to get all of these forms filled out and to the insurance company. I hope, for his sake and mine, that he agrees and contacts her to do just that.
.. ..
I will feel a lot better once damage control has been completed and confirmed (i.e. my LTD recertification process completed and approved) and then I can get back to what I do see as my job, taking care of my health so that eventually I can go back to working.
.. ..
Not exactly the sigh of relief I was needing….. I still feel a little bit like I am on a very thin tightrope with no net.
.. ..
There ya have it. Another installment of “As Kat’s World Turns”.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Another MS Blog 1/7/09 Authentic - long post
I am posting this email I sent to a friend below to hold myself to being authentic, good or bad. Something I am working on. Not that I am not authentic, well, hard to explain. I try to be the real me but sometimes I get caught up in the mask, the "I'm fine", that auto pilot. I don't want to live in the "I'm not so fine" part of life but not acknowledging it does not help either. To ignore it is to not deal with it and that is toxic. The closest I usually come to telling the truth about how bad things can get is to say "I'm doing the best I can with what I have to work with and some days that looks better than others." It is also something I try to hang on to when things are better, to keep myself from beating myself up when I am unable to make things appear to be better. Kind of a half empty, half full thing. I have been really trying to think positive, to send it out to the universe, law of attraction.....maybe I just don't know how that works.... Part of the desire to be "fine" no matter what is also a fake it until you make it kind of thing. Believe it and it will be true. Maybe that is the problem...... maybe I don't really believe it. hmmmm
Anyway, here's the email, no comments are necessary but are welcome.
START OF EMAIL I SENT TO A FRIEND
"Today has been another rough day. Since before Thanksgiving, I have been trying to reach one of my other doctors, the only other doctor that has been a part of my team for years, that is left besides my therapist. My insurance company will not recognize my therapist imput because she is "just" an LCSW and does not have an MD behind her name. Frustrating because she sees me more than any other thus she is more aware. The short version is that a friend called this same drs office to see about getting an appointment for herself. The first call she was told that he is not taking new patients for another 6 weeks. She called back to make an appointment and was told that she will have to call back at the end of the month because they "don't know what is going on until he gets back." She pushed for what that meant and was told that he is out of town. WTF! This is the first I've heard! My instinct is that he has left that practice (which happened before but he was not able to communicate with me because of legal reasons, i.e. contractually bound). His staff is rude and far from helpful so getting any answers out of them won't happen. More examples of why I think there is something major up but no need to go in to it all. The bottom line is that if he is no longer able to treat me, for whatever reason, another advocate for me is gone, leaving me with only the person that they say doesn't count. Even outside of the LTD crap, I NEED him to continue to be a part of my team, hell, he is only one of two left. The new primary care is just a little more than clueless because I am new and she doesn't really know me or my situation. She did take a very detailed history and made a lot of notes initially but only time will tell if that was for more than CYA for her files. The endocrinologist probably has no clue I am on LTD even though it is in my file and I've mentioned it more than once, and her focus is not really the big picture. She has given me signs of hope, in that she has indicated an understanding that I have a lot going on and that she intends on making a positive difference one way or the other. Does that mean she will advocate for me when it comes time for the insurance company, I don't know. Now I am faced (as therapist pointed out) with finding yet another sleep doctor. I've been through many as there was a time when this last dr did not take my insurance but I've always gone back to the original, even if that meant paying out of pocket to see him. The others were not interested in helping me. One did not even read my chart, almost prescribed something contraindicated (sp?) to another med I was taking, and flatly refused to even read my chart and the information, including labs and sleep study results, he had been given. I am so angry, hurt, and scared. I just want to say FUCK IT ALL. If I could ignore my health and just put my big girl panties on I would, would have long ago. Maybe I should just force myself to do so and deal with the consequences, which in my heart I know will not be good, not at all..... I spent so many years, from a very young age, with nobody, seriously and literally, in my corner. Nobody to advocate for me when I did not know how and when I was not able, like most kids should have in their life. It was quite the opposite, so for me to stand up for myself has been a serious challenge, after all I am not worth shit on the bottom of their shoes so why should I bother. It is only because I have had moments, though few and far between, that I have found some worth in myself that I have continued to fight. I am just SO tired. I don't know if I have any fight left in me. When I had my girls (cats) it was only because of them.....and I do mean only. Fighting to survive, that's what my whole life has been about literally and figuratively. I'm SO tired. When my mother was on her death bed, I remember so clearly her saying that and it wasn't the I need sleep/rest kind of tired. I understood even in that moment, at 17, exactly what she meant. Maybe that is why I seemed to be the only one that really grasped the severity of the situation? The rest of the family just did not want to get it even though I was trying to tell them, of course to get it would have meant with dealing outside of themselves and growing up. It was like I was the grown up and they were children. The option of being a kid was never really there for me. Oh my.... I am SO not ok.... and no, I don't know what I might ask you to do to help (other than letting me vent and listen while I sit on the pitty pot a bit). I do know that you are there, which does matter and I do appreciate more than you'll ever know. END OF COPIED EMAIL
Please understand, anybody reading this, that while I do struggle, a lot lately, I do not intend on just letting that be the case. I know that I must change the equation. I must take risks. I must push through whatever the fear. To not change the equation means to live like this and that is not ok. Right now I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted - in large part because I have been trying so hard to put on the mask, or at least not admitting how bad it has gotten. In a strange way, it helps to let it out. I actually cried (not the sobbing I really need to do to purge) for the first time in a long time. I don't usually allow myself to do that, even in private.
Add in the whole impact of strong emotions to the Narcolepsy and it can be paralyzing but I am a human with good and bad thoughts and emotions. To not process those things is toxic so if that means staying close to home, making sure I am sitting, so that a catapletic attack will not injure myself or others then so be it.
Ok, there, I've pushed myself out of my comfort (well, not so comfortable but what I am used to) zone. I hope I have the courage to leave this one up as I do feel very vulnerable having shared all of this....
I've also said that my baggage has baggage and that baggage has carry on bags. Blogs like this is in part how I am learning to pack a little lighter so that I can enjoy the trip.
If you've made it this far, thanks for taking the time and letting me practice being authentic in real life. Hopefully, I'll be off of the pitty pot before the nasty butt ring becomes permanent. (wink)
Anyway, here's the email, no comments are necessary but are welcome.
START OF EMAIL I SENT TO A FRIEND
"Today has been another rough day. Since before Thanksgiving, I have been trying to reach one of my other doctors, the only other doctor that has been a part of my team for years, that is left besides my therapist. My insurance company will not recognize my therapist imput because she is "just" an LCSW and does not have an MD behind her name. Frustrating because she sees me more than any other thus she is more aware. The short version is that a friend called this same drs office to see about getting an appointment for herself. The first call she was told that he is not taking new patients for another 6 weeks. She called back to make an appointment and was told that she will have to call back at the end of the month because they "don't know what is going on until he gets back." She pushed for what that meant and was told that he is out of town. WTF! This is the first I've heard! My instinct is that he has left that practice (which happened before but he was not able to communicate with me because of legal reasons, i.e. contractually bound). His staff is rude and far from helpful so getting any answers out of them won't happen. More examples of why I think there is something major up but no need to go in to it all. The bottom line is that if he is no longer able to treat me, for whatever reason, another advocate for me is gone, leaving me with only the person that they say doesn't count. Even outside of the LTD crap, I NEED him to continue to be a part of my team, hell, he is only one of two left. The new primary care is just a little more than clueless because I am new and she doesn't really know me or my situation. She did take a very detailed history and made a lot of notes initially but only time will tell if that was for more than CYA for her files. The endocrinologist probably has no clue I am on LTD even though it is in my file and I've mentioned it more than once, and her focus is not really the big picture. She has given me signs of hope, in that she has indicated an understanding that I have a lot going on and that she intends on making a positive difference one way or the other. Does that mean she will advocate for me when it comes time for the insurance company, I don't know. Now I am faced (as therapist pointed out) with finding yet another sleep doctor. I've been through many as there was a time when this last dr did not take my insurance but I've always gone back to the original, even if that meant paying out of pocket to see him. The others were not interested in helping me. One did not even read my chart, almost prescribed something contraindicated (sp?) to another med I was taking, and flatly refused to even read my chart and the information, including labs and sleep study results, he had been given. I am so angry, hurt, and scared. I just want to say FUCK IT ALL. If I could ignore my health and just put my big girl panties on I would, would have long ago. Maybe I should just force myself to do so and deal with the consequences, which in my heart I know will not be good, not at all..... I spent so many years, from a very young age, with nobody, seriously and literally, in my corner. Nobody to advocate for me when I did not know how and when I was not able, like most kids should have in their life. It was quite the opposite, so for me to stand up for myself has been a serious challenge, after all I am not worth shit on the bottom of their shoes so why should I bother. It is only because I have had moments, though few and far between, that I have found some worth in myself that I have continued to fight. I am just SO tired. I don't know if I have any fight left in me. When I had my girls (cats) it was only because of them.....and I do mean only. Fighting to survive, that's what my whole life has been about literally and figuratively. I'm SO tired. When my mother was on her death bed, I remember so clearly her saying that and it wasn't the I need sleep/rest kind of tired. I understood even in that moment, at 17, exactly what she meant. Maybe that is why I seemed to be the only one that really grasped the severity of the situation? The rest of the family just did not want to get it even though I was trying to tell them, of course to get it would have meant with dealing outside of themselves and growing up. It was like I was the grown up and they were children. The option of being a kid was never really there for me. Oh my.... I am SO not ok.... and no, I don't know what I might ask you to do to help (other than letting me vent and listen while I sit on the pitty pot a bit). I do know that you are there, which does matter and I do appreciate more than you'll ever know. END OF COPIED EMAIL
Please understand, anybody reading this, that while I do struggle, a lot lately, I do not intend on just letting that be the case. I know that I must change the equation. I must take risks. I must push through whatever the fear. To not change the equation means to live like this and that is not ok. Right now I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted - in large part because I have been trying so hard to put on the mask, or at least not admitting how bad it has gotten. In a strange way, it helps to let it out. I actually cried (not the sobbing I really need to do to purge) for the first time in a long time. I don't usually allow myself to do that, even in private.
Add in the whole impact of strong emotions to the Narcolepsy and it can be paralyzing but I am a human with good and bad thoughts and emotions. To not process those things is toxic so if that means staying close to home, making sure I am sitting, so that a catapletic attack will not injure myself or others then so be it.
Ok, there, I've pushed myself out of my comfort (well, not so comfortable but what I am used to) zone. I hope I have the courage to leave this one up as I do feel very vulnerable having shared all of this....
I've also said that my baggage has baggage and that baggage has carry on bags. Blogs like this is in part how I am learning to pack a little lighter so that I can enjoy the trip.
If you've made it this far, thanks for taking the time and letting me practice being authentic in real life. Hopefully, I'll be off of the pitty pot before the nasty butt ring becomes permanent. (wink)
MS 1/7/09 Blog about being authentic
I used to think of myself as a liar and a total fraud. I thought that I had to share every finite detail in order to be real and authentic. To ask me how I was in passing (to me) meant that I was a liar when I didn't answer the under the mask truth. I lived too much with the belief that no one really wanted to know the real answer, this from messages that were literally pounded in to me and from making the wrong choices about who to share with. Sometimes people do just want to here "I'm fine, thank you." lol
One of the best things my therapist has ever pointed out was that it is ok to be selective who one chooses (and it is a choice) to share with. You can be authentic without details. I have been choosing to share in an effort to acknowledge those details, in a strange way, even to myself. A lot of what I have shared here on my blog has never been said outloud and I feel it must be so that I can move on to a healthier "Me V 2.0"
Thanks, again!
One of the best things my therapist has ever pointed out was that it is ok to be selective who one chooses (and it is a choice) to share with. You can be authentic without details. I have been choosing to share in an effort to acknowledge those details, in a strange way, even to myself. A lot of what I have shared here on my blog has never been said outloud and I feel it must be so that I can move on to a healthier "Me V 2.0"
Thanks, again!
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