MS Post 1/30/09

First, thanks to all of you who "covered me" while I "went in" today. It is nice to know that there are people out there that have nothing to gain by sending positive energy my way and are still willing to do it.

I'm exhausted. I am going from ok, to angry, to very sad, back to ok, or at least trying to convince myself that I am ok.


Let me say that today was not a total waste. I was able to pick up paperwork from my therapist. I had to meet her in public as today was her day off and our plan was for me to "be in the area" and catch my psychiatrist at his office the last day before he is out on leave for the month of February. We agree that if no good result happens that we will call the insurance asshole, um, I mean adjuster guy, and deal with him straight on. (Talk about needing to wear big girl panties and make sure I've got "coverage!")

Anyway, it was dash, dash, quick lunch with friends (had to eat or would have been not so good), dash, dash, dash in to the packed local Kinko’s to make copies as you never give originals without first making a copy, and even though I have to go by my house to pick up my friend in case a catapletic attack happens, my Fing HP POS AIO crapped out on me recently making it impossible to make any copies of anything so I have just have to deal with using a credit card to use a copy machine, dash, dash, dash some more. A little breathing got done during the day but not much. We get to the psychiatrists office around 3p. I'm all geared up, all day, stress, no rest, since the early morning hours when my phone rang and woke me. I decide to go in there and play like I am SO dumb and so helpless and so humble. New people behind the desk…..um, is (the girl I’m kissed enough ass with to basically make her my girlfriend, or maybe I’m hers, to get her to be helpful and friendly)……"no……um, ok"….. I explain how **I** messed up and sent the wrong forms to the doctor via email and that I am hoping he can help me with these correct forms I have in my hands. (Yes, I am too willing to take responsibility as a general rule but this time it was a calculated last second decision -- try to appeal to what little compassion I hoped they actually do have inside, deep inside but there.) They tell me, despite the assurance just yesterday that he would be there, he is not in the office today.


In my head “Wellllll, fuuuuuuck me! This can’t be real. I just spent the day from hell helping to fill out forms, driving, driving, Kinkos, credit card to use a copy machine, dragging my friend, driving some more, filled with anxiety, and made the mistake, apparently, of getting my hopes up only to be told he is not in! Oh, NO, they didn’t!” But, having my big girl panties on (which are almost out of elastic at this point, lol), I maintain my composure. ....


They, apparently reading my face a bit, tell me that he will be in the office next Thursday and Friday. The guy, I’m not sure what is role is around there but he sure does seem to be lurking all the time, asks to see the paperwork. He wonders allowed if it might be something they can help with (my jaw almost hits the ground at even the suggestion as nobody else has even tried) and hands it back to me saying that the dr has to take care of it but that I can come back when he is there next week. I’m up for (desperate) almost anything, and appreciating their help, so I tell them ok, what day and time do you want me here. I’m thinking I’m getting an appointment. He explains that I will not but that it would be good if I could be there at 1:45p, “no problem, Thursday at 1:45p, I’ll be here.”
So, I am trying to think positively and seeing it as a glass ½ full. The staff, including a lady I’ve never seen, was pleasant and dare I say even helpful. I have to wonder if my dr told them about my note to him saying that his staff sucks and they need to be better at communicating. Frankly, I don’t really care, grrrrrrr. (lol)


Tuesday. I'm not sure if it will be plan ZZ or what but I can't do this much longer, I just can't. Hell, if I could, I'd be working!

The sadness I feel……..yep, I’m going to sit on the pity pot for a few before I get a warm spot on the CK Sofa…… I feel like I’ve been asked to climb a huge mountain with nothing but my bare hands, that they keep making the mountain bigger, taller, and more challenging all around, and that going around, under, or over the mountain is not an option. It is at times like these that I feel really sad that my family can not “be there” for me, especially since I have been there so many times for so many years for them. (tears……) I know that they will never be the people I need them to be but you should be able to count on family. I never have, never will. That is very sad, very sad.

Well, there ya have it. Hugs all around, thanks for being here and reading. ....