Positive statements or not

I was asked by my therapist to write 5 positive statements about myself. I was not able to do it. I want to be able to just make the statements, without disclaimers, without criteria, like I would for other people. “She deserves the best.” Period. “I am loveable.” “I am a good person.” When I think and speak about myself, too often there is a disclaimer, conditions, something to negate the positive statement. It can’t just be. Even if I am able to say, think, that I deserve better it is followed by what I call the one-two punch. The follow up is something like “no I don’t. I’m a pain in the butt. I’m defective. I sleep too much. I weigh too much. I am too needy. I have a messy and unclean house.” That thinking only takes seconds. Positive thinking takes minutes, hours, and even days. I have different criteria when it comes to myself. If I am not perfect then I don’t deserve the best, I don’t deserve love, respect, kindness, etc. Which I do know is not healthy thinking. I am trying to change that thinking. This “I suck” thinking has got to change. I would never tell anybody who has walked in my shoes that they suck in any way. That would not be compassionate. Well, that is not entirely true. I would tell my family members that they suck, and I would mean every word. What’s the difference? I’ve come to understand that a part of the difference is that I am trying to change, trying to do things differently. Not only that but the mistakes I’ve made were not conscious decisions to ever hurt another person. Even with them. I have made extra effort not to stoop to their level. Yes, I get really tempted as I sometimes want them to hurt as much as they have hurt me but that is not who I really am. It angers me that that thought even comes to my mind because I feel like try to make me be something that I know I am not – one of them.

Had to step away. I’m going to resist the urge to go back and edit myself above and just move along with these mental gymnastics.

Every human has the basic need to be loved, acknowledged, and appreciated. Basic. Simple. Not complicated. Period. If I don’t find a way to show myself love, to acknowledge the person that I truly am, to appreciate myself as I truly am, how can I ever expect, or even hope, that another person will do the same? I can’t. As the saying goes, you must first love yourself. And, is it possible to truly love another, to acknowledge another, appreciate another if you don’t know how to do that for yourself?

Too deep for this morning but I needed to purge so that I can get on with the day.

There ya have it. Thanks for being here. Feel free to ask questions, make comments, whatever. Feedback is always welcome.

I’m going to take a step and not go back to edit myself. I have a fear of not being understood, of not communicating clearly, of upsetting another unintentionally. I’m going to take a leap of faith in myself.