Struggling

I'm feeling a lot bad this evening. Frustrated. I am trying to remind myself that I only have a limited of spoons (see my blog titled "please read") and that is my reality whether I like it or not. Well, today I am downright p*ssed about it. I DON'T like it one f***ing bit.

Accepting that there are things in every humans life that are not in our control….. that concept is tougher some days than others. To want to pull myself "up by my bootstraps", to "just do it", to "just put one foot in front of the other" only to be reminded of my limitations is so frustrating. Sometimes I actually feel humiliation.

I have a hard time not comparing myself to people that have "real" illnesses, invalidating myself, invalidating my very real illnesses. Not healthy to think that way and I do know it.

Part of my frustration is not being able to do the things that I appear to be physically capable of doing. That I AM physically capable of doing, and do given the opportunity, but I can't keep the body moving, the brain engaged, no matter how much I want to. Ugh, sigh

Reminding myself that I would do x, y, and/or z if I COULD, I WOULD, in a heartbeat, it is at those moments that I can accept that it IS out of my control. I have too many moments of downright abusing myself with the cr*ppy old tapes in my head. I've survived more than my fair share of abuse. I don't need to continue to do that to myself. Rewiring takes a lot of time and effort. I AM working on it but, geez, I think it is about time to experience some ginormous steps of progress instead of the baby steps that go back and forth – like a baby that is just learning to walk. Maybe that is a part of what is going on with me these days? Maybe I am just around the corner from some grand mentally toxic release, the kind that will no doubt help the physical load not seem quite so heavy. Can the electric inspector give me an idea of what else I need to do to pass inspection?!?! Lol I guess I need to get a "work permit" first. Ok, bad humor. Just trying to see any humor.

Is this all about feeling sorry for myself? THAT is not healthy…… I don't know that it is……. I guess that point could be argued either way…… hmmmm

I guess I will allow myself some pitty pot as long as I DO keep trying. It is when there is no effort that sitting on the pitty pot gets one nowhere – not to mention the butt ring that is left. OK, another silly attempt……

I've been feeling like I got loose from the D monster, he was still there, but today it feels like he keeps getting a hold of my foot and I am running out of energy to shake him off. Maybe it is a good think that I am a bit p*ssed with all of this, too? Apathy would probably be a bad sign.