Fatigue

“Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.” The Desiderata


How true is that? Whenever I let myself push too much, wear myself out, I end up a mess – sometimes a scary mess. Fatigue opens the door to so much negativity, yet I allow it to happen, knowing that it won’t be good, hoping that it won’t be that bad. I get so caught up in wanting to be…. not so much like everybody else but more “normal”. Normal in that I would be working, I’d have a social life, I’d have a family life, and I’d be as healthy as the next almost 40 yr old. (Of course the ideal would be working a job that I’d do for free but pays more than I could ever spend, my social life would include good and quality people, the family life would be made up of people who know what family really means, and I’d be healthier than people ½ my age.)

The last few days I did almost nothing, trying to recuperate so that I can close the door of vulnerability that fatigue opens (i.e. find some spoons). Unfortunately, doing almost nothing means that the to-do list still has a lot to be done on it. I don’t think there will ever be a time when I don’t have something that I should be doing but it sure would be nice to have a to-do list that isn’t kicking my ass. Of course finding a partner that is a partner in every way would really help in that regard but that is a blog for another day.

If I look back at my work life and at my personal life at the time I was working, it is obvious that there were many health challenges years ago. It was impossible for me to get things done at work and at home. Being the proud person I am, not wanting to let others down even to my own detriment, I was determined and succeeded in my work life for many years – it is a credit to what I am capable of doing. Unfortunately, it meant that my personal life suffered greatly. All of what energy and focus I did have went to trying to keep up the appearances in my work life. Most people define themselves by what they do for a living, that and the money they make doing it too often define “successful” people. Not having either to define me the last 9 years has really been a hit to my self -esteem. It has forced me, along with my work in talk therapy, to really search for who I really am, what defines me. I still haven’t come up with the right answer. I say the right answer because when I am fatigued, the wrong answers scream out to be heard. Ugh, not healthy either. Not only don’t the to-do’s get ta-done (wink) the negative chatter in my head tries to take over – not good for the depression and anxiety either.

I know fatigue and the consequences are not unique to me. I’ve tried to share with others that they do not want to end up, even temporarily, in the same boat I am in. Most people just shrug it off like I am just lazy or that I am just an exception. Yes, the extreme fatigue, lethargy, excessive sleepiness is more an exception than the rule but pushing oneself too hard does have consequences no matter who you are.

Like so many things it is a matter of priorities and knowing what is important to you in your life. I am reminded of Steven Covey’s books. He talks about making sure that you know what is important and using your time and energy to focus on those things and if you have any left over than it is ok to look at those things that are not high on those lists. To know what is most important in your life do you have to know who you are? What defines you? Hmmmmm If reading was not such a challenge, I think it might be time to dive in to some of those books. I might be able to get some books on CD at the library.

Another book that comes to mind is Dr. Phil’s “Self Matters”, which I have not read at all but I believe is similar to the Covey books. As always, I don’t think these books have all of life’s answers (wouldn’t that be boring if we had them all at our finger tips).

I am reminded of another quote I found recently. “Without work all life goes rotten” by Albert Camus.

For me, life was pretty rotten before I decided that I am worthy of a better life. I’ve made progress towards that better life by going to therapy. Therapy is not for everyone. It has been a great tool for me. I’ve done the self-help groups, also very helpful to me but few and far between in my area – even in the suburbs of such a big city, the few I’ve found are often over an hour one way and too expensive for somebody on a limited income. If I would allow myself to be hospitalized I would have a lot more options but it should not be that extreme.

Anyway, I’ve read some self-help books. I’ve even exposed myself to some 12 step groups. I’ve probably attended more AA meetings than a lot of actual alcoholics. My mother was a single mother of 4 and used to take me to her many (especially when she was first getting sober when I was a toddler) meetings as my siblings were not always available to baby sit. Even after I was old enough, I was taken to Alanon and Alateen. That was an experience to say the least. My parents believed that 12 step groups were almost the only way. Well, my dad believed that AA was the only way. I disagree with him but respected that AA has been the only way for some people. When I was in my 20’s, didn’t drink at all, he tried to get me to go to AA for the benefits that he believed so strongly in. He had been sober more years than I was alive when he passed away.

There ya have it. Thanks for reading and have a great day!