Sad tonight

I find myself quite sad tonight. I've been on a roll with being productive, something I find allows me to give value to my existence (not being "productive" brings out the I'm not worthy bs). Because I've been pushing myself so hard lately, necessary because it was all time sensitive, I am starting to pay the price. I didn't get anything done on the list. Getting things done on the list means when my friend comes over Friday we will be able to get even more things on the list done. Me not getting things on the list done means that a lot of it will have to wait until the next opportunity..... which will be another month.

I'm not just sad about the reality that I do only have so many spoons. I'm sad because part of my........ disappointment in my romantic relationship is because I don't feel like I have a partner. Someone who helps me do anything. Unfortunately, it is extrememly rare that he does anything besides wear my sofa out (there's now a butt dip in my sofa where he's been sitting the last couple of years, literally). Ugh, I don't really need to go down this road tonight. I just needed to admit "outloud" that I'm kinda sad about it all tonight. Trying to pretend that I'm not sad leads to stuffing emotions that I do, like it or not, need to process/purge. I usually do feel at least some better after I let it out.

There ya have it. Thanks for reading.