Empathy, sympathy, for them, why

Ok, let me tell you how F’ed up my brain is…..

When I bought my house (well, started renting from the mortgage company), on my own, no help from anybody, my older brother moved in with me for 5 years. Yeah, I know, I know. It was ok (I’m still a bit in denial about that), especially since he did pay rent, and it allowed him to save up a lot of money. I sacrificed/sold myself out for the “help” that having my brother living with me provided. Literally all he did was pay rent. He felt that he was a renter and any maintenance, yard work, chores, were all my responsibility, um, thanks for all the help…... I allowed him to be mentally and emotionally abusive, it’s just a fact, whether I like it or not. A part of my denial then and now is that I wanted to have at least someone I could call “family”, someone with some idea (he had the idea but never really came through) of what it means to be family. The messages I allowed him and the messages I allowed myself….. just to get through it …….very sad. Anyway, he moved out for several years (5 I think) and in 2006 he decided that he was tired of paying for an apartment and it was time to get a house. He also wanted to have someplace big enough for our other brother, someone I would never live with and everybody knows it, to live because he CHOOSES to be a leech on anyone that will allow it (I’m sure I’ll do a blog about all of that at some point). We did talk about me moving in to the house together as it is known (but rarely acknowledged by any of my family) how tight money and the responsibility of a house. I only entertained it for a minute before I knew in my heart that older brother is still in denial and wants to rescue other brother and it would be just a matter of time before he would have him move in. I also didn’t want to be indebted to older brother for anything, not a position that would have been good for me. The minutes of contemplation had more to do with me wanting/needing to be rescued myself. It also allowed me to think (hope) that it would finally come from someone in my family….. something that I never got. It allowed me, even for just a minute, to live in a fantasy land.

He moved in July 2007, just weeks before my hysterectomy. It was supposed to be just a few months as he was actively looking for a house – the perfect house, in the perfect area, with the perfect price being less than it was worth, etc. He brought in boxes of stuff, boxes that were in the living area of the house. Um, I need no help cluttering up my house. I put up with it believing that it was going to be just a few months. Oh, he also filled my garage up with stuff that he “needed” so he wouldn’t put it in to storage. These boxes weren’t neat. They were boxes of stuff literally thrown in so that they could not be piled on top of each other. Again, I needed no help cluttering up and filling my garage but I sucked it up for the sake of helping my brother. Sometimes you sacrifice for your family is basically one of the messages that I told myself.

A few months in to him being here, I started asking him to neaten up the boxes, especially the ones in the living areas as it looked terrible. He would say he would do it but it never happened. Finally in December of 2008, almost a year and a half of living with me, he found a house. Many more months than the original I won’t be in the way and I’ll only be there for a few months tops. I believe he found the house finally because the other brother was living on the streets (his own doing, his own willingness to do nothing for himself) and older brother was paying for him to live in a week stay place until the house was found. One would think that he would use every moment available to start packing up his stuff so that he could move in right away. When I moved in to this house, I had filled my car full with stuff so that I could move it in the day that I closed. I also arranged for a U Haul so that I could move in everything the next day. I didn’t want to inconvenience my dad and I wanted to get everything moved and not drag it out. Maybe it’s just me….. I dunno. Anyway, instead of getting his shit together, he chose to just lounge around and go to the bar (he goes nightly but says that he’s not an alcoholic). He had the entire week of Christmas off for vacation and was not due back to work until after the first of the year. Again, if you are days from closing, wouldn’t you think it was time to get some things in motion??? I asked him if he had arranged a U Haul and planned on getting it done or what his plans were. This type of question always got me passive, and sometimes a direct, answer of anger. He started telling me he wasn’t sure when he would do what. Um, ok, time to figure that out. I even offered to call around and see about the prices and availability. Nope, he would take care of it when “the time came”. The closer to the day of closing it got the more anxious I was getting. I was ready for him to be gone, ready for his stuff to get out of my way. He chose to do NOTHING. One evening, particularly irritated, I told him that I was tempted to just rent one for him. I tried to say it in a ha, ha, nudge, nudge way but he just wasn’t having any of it. I know that he was stressed to the max with buying his first house and with all that was going on (he knew not to tell me it all as I was not supportive of the enabling and how likely explosive the situation was going to be) with the other brother. I tried to have empathy for my older brother’s situation but, like the other brother, it was his own doing.

The day of closing….. he took NOTHING with him. He came by the house that afternoon/evening to pick some stuff up. He was mostly concerned with the blow up bed so that the other brother would not have to sleep on the floor. That night he slept here at my house. The next day he took a few things, again, not packing his truck to the top like I would have done – um, because he had no intention of getting it done in a timely manner, duh, I should have known better. I again, how dare I, mentioned the U Haul. He told me “I’ll get it done when I decide I will get it done”, with a you better shut up about it voice, attempting to intimidate me. It worked for a bit. I was in tears. I felt like I didn’t matter. I got angry. I called 1-800-Got-Junk and asked them if they could pick up the next day. Yep. I called my brother, who had left for the bar, and told him that he could either have it gone by the end of the day (giving him 3 full days) or that I would be calling the junk company and having it hauled off. He asked me if I was issuing an ultimatum to which I answered “well, I guess I am.” He hung up on me and that is the last time we spoke.

The next day I was still in bed when he arrived and started loading his truck. I was determined to have no confrontation so I showered and got out of there without even seeing his face. I knew it would be bad. Before I left, I wrote him a note saying that I was very sad that it came to that but that I did still wish him well and happiness in his new home. Along with the note was a pile of antique dishes I had found specifically for him, like ones that our mother had, very sentimental and symbolic and not cheap. I had planned on wrapping them and presenting them to him as a housewarming gift. The original dishes were fought over when my dad died and was the final straw between him and our sister. They have not spoken in years over the dishes. It was more about what they represented and fairness than the actual dishes.

Well, I got home that evening. The dishes were smashed from one end of the room to the other. Tiny little pieces everywhere and there was a big pile in the middle of the room. The amount of rage and effort it took to do this…. I can only imagine. He had written on the note for me to go F myself and called me an arrogant pig. I was devastated and overwhelmed with fear. I knew that the other brother was in town and was not sure what other consequences were to be had. Unfortunately, my bf who never stops for gas at night decided to do so, and had not told me. I could hardly breathe. I managed to call bf to see where he was and couldn’t speak. I had told him what was going on so he was aware of potential bs that would come of it all. Bf figured out that I was crying (something that I never do) and that I could not speak. He asked me if it was something bad and I managed to say yes. I turned off my emotions for a few minutes. I went on auto pilot. I changed my clothes and got ready for bed. The minute my bf came in I lost it. Bf was furious. I turned in to a scared little kid. I was saying that it was all my fault. I was taking full blame and believed that I got what was coming to me. The negative messages I’ve gotten from my family since I was a baby just came full on out. At one point, realizing that there might be more of this behavior to come, I got really scared. I was afraid that they would both show up and hurt me, hurt me bad. At this point I had not even realized that he damaged the computer he helped me fix, ripped out the shower head he had installed because he liked it better (damaging the tub with his tools doing so), and obviously damaged the bed that I had given him as there were pieces of it in the floor of my guest room. He didn’t damage it enough to make it not useable as he needed it for my other brother. I was a total mess. Bf called him and they had a shouting match, which did not help me but there was a small part of me that did like that someone was standing up to my brother, and doing it for me. Bf threatened to not let him come get any of the remaining items. I stayed a mess for about an hour. My bf knew he was in over his head and called one of my long-time friends (who knows a lot of the history with my brothers and my family). She realized that I was far from OK, tried to calm me, all while I was blaming myself. She and bf talked for a bit, me in the back ground rocking myself on the floor like a child. She drove the 45 minutes from her house in about 30 minutes. She brought her gun (she does have a permit). By the time that she got there, I was almost completely shut down and overcome with extreme fear. The violence, the anger, the possibility that he would come back and that he would bring the other brother (with an even bigger issue with violence and anger) overwhelmed me. After some convincing, she talked me in to calling the police to report a domestic violence issue. I was not willing to call the emergency number as I felt silly for even bothering the police with it all. Three cop cars showed up. They were not happy that there was a gun involved. I wish she had not made such an issue that she even had one but that was her decision. One cop acted like I was being silly, said that there was nothing they could do as the dishes were a gift from me for him to do with as he pleased. Another, older cop, made sure I understood that I could call them if the brothers showed up and created any kind of problem, he seemed to get it. I called a lock smith. Seriously expensive in a late night emergency situation, had time not been an issue we would have done it ourselves. I still didn’t feel safe. The police suggested that we call brother and tell him when he could come back to pick up, a specific time, and to let him know that coming any other time would mean that the police would be called back. Yes, we made sure that he knew that the police had been called. My friend called him because I just couldn’t do it. He tried to say something and my friend just shut him down. She told him that they could come, when they could come, and about the police. He asked if I would be here, if bf would be here, and said that he didn’t want any issues. She explained that bf would not (he decided that his presence even that night would not be helpful and likely add to the problems) but that I would be and so would she but that we would be staying inside the house. The rest of his stuff was put out in the driveway the next morning so that there was no reason for them to come in. Even with the locks changed I felt so unsafe. Even with them knowing that the police were aware I felt unsafe. I was really upset by that because this house was the first place I felt safe and now they had taken that away – well, I let them take that away. That night was rough. I tried to sleep but that wasn’t happening. My friend slept on the sofa, facing the front door, with her gun. The next morning I, with embarrassment, asked a neighbor to help me get the stuff out of the house as some of the furniture (some of which I gave to him because I said I would) required two people to move. We watched the driveway, almost on the dot, they pulled in. The look on my other brother’s face said it all. He was just waiting for anybody to say or do anything and he would have been off. Just seeing his face scared me. I needed it to be over with as soon as possible. They loaded up and left without further incident. I’m sure the knowledge that police were already involved helped that so I don’t regret calling them the night before. I can not begin to express how scared I was since the first moment I discovered what he had done the day before.

It’s been over a year and a half and I still don’t feel totally safe.

All of that to share that it is the older brother’s birthday Sunday and I know he will not get any calls, cards, gifts, no acknowledgement. I was the only one that would give him gifts, cards, and/or call on “special occasions.” Not that I ever got any in return but I felt like it was the right thing to do, at the time anyway.

I heard from my niece that other brother is in a different state. I assume that blew up in older brothers’ face so they are no longer living together. I will always fear him (well, both of them). Other brother drives a big truck, when he is working that is, so the idea that he will show up unexpectedly is not out of the realm of possibility. He’s done it before….. I don’t know if older brother has made up with sister or not. I suspect not. All of our parents are gone and our aunt has only recently (again, news from my niece) become close with our sister so he has nobody. Yes, it is his own doing. The F’ed up thing is that I have any sympathy for him, them, when I gave them much more than I ever should have for too many years.

Even after having new carpet installed, I still find little pieces of glass…… I kept some of the glass in a tiny zip lock as a reminder that I don’t need, want, or deserve these people in my life. If they have some grand epiphany, become positive members of society, then good but even then I don’t need to ever be a part of their lives…… and they don’t deserve to be a part of mine.

There ya have it…..