The following is a reply post to a friends blog and some random rambling. As I typed the reply post I feel very sincere and hope that anything I said might possibly help her but as I try to offer the same to myself all I can think is "bullsh*t" and all kinds of other nasty to myself thoughts. ugh. I find it so frustrating that I can offer support, validate, and care about others but it is so damn hard to do that for myself.
MY REPLY POST
"Shame, feeling alone, not wanting to take a chance that anyone could ever understand…… I really identify with what you said as I could have written almost the same blog.
Telling yourself that you are alone in this will keep you exactly there – alone and you do not deserve that. Writing the blog was a big step towards facing the fear, believing at least a little in yourself, seeing that you do have strength, and giving others (who it is my guess you've helped through tough times) the opportunity to be there for you in whatever way you are comfortable with. I hope that you can see by the responses that finding the courage to reach out to others has proven that you do not need to walk alone.
Something that has really helped me through some tough stuff was to understand that life experiences do not define me. Things did happen to me, things did happen in my life, and I've made many mistakes but those things are not WHO I am. Yes, those experiences do help explain why I might think and act certain ways (good and bad) and those experiences can/do effect me in my everyday life (good and bad) but I am not defined by those experiences. For me it has been very important to process what I can so that I can let them go – or at least try not to let those things control my life. I don't mean "it was in the past just get over it". I don't mean that anyone should "just pull yourself up by the boot straps and move on". What I do mean is that it has been important for me to learn anything I possibly can from those experiences and to keep moving forward towards the life I need, want, and deserve.
For me, to process has meant reading, group therapy, journaling, confiding, sharing, being there for others, therapy, and medication to name a few. I've taken some things straight on all at once and I've learned to break things up in to smaller "tasks". Taking on something big all at once often is overwhelming and I end up making the choice to do nothing (which gets me nowhere that I want to be). I've also learned that I don't have to tell everything all at one time to only one person. I don't even have to tell anybody anything, ever. It is a matter of finding what works best for you, your needs, and what you are comfortable with.
I obviously have a lot of work/processing still to do as I, too, am struggling quite a bit. I don't think that there is anyone out there that does not have struggles. It is part of being human – a growing and changing human in this ever growing and changing world.
I was not going to post a reply. I decided that I had to respond because it is important to me as your friend to offer anything I can to help and it is important to me to think about what I am offering to you and offer it to myself. (geez I hope that made sense)
I hope that with all that has already been said and anything that I might have said you will find some comfort."
END REPLY POST
I've also been aware that I've been putting on a mask of "I'm fine. I'll be ok." While those are true statements and I know it, I'd rather eat dog doo than admit that I am anything less than ok. I've done the work on why I struggle with that but can't seem to let it be ok not to be ok. Even the MySpace status thingy. It has been a serious challenge (risk) to me to do things differently by putting things in there that are more accurate than I am typically comfortable admitting. Of course I have reduced the risk by having my profile be private and (with rare exception) not using a real picture as my avatar so that those I know would use any admitted vulnerability against me are not likely to find me.
Rambling, just trying to purge some of the toxic stuff.
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